Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Welsh - Ukranian discussions

Now what am I going to do?

I had a cast. Russ simply was Lembit, while Bella had worked very hard at the annoying Welsh accent thing.
Now I have to tell them that a light-hearted comedy has become neo-tragedy, and I'm getting Dench in.

Now back to your normal programming.

Incidentally, today is the 143rd anniversary of lino. You can probably download it nowadays, but you'd need broadband for a large kitchen.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The office Christmas drinkies

"Ooh thanks , oh gosh, I don't know... you're very kind. I think I'll have a sherry please if that's all right David. Oh, sweet: no, medium. Thank you".
"Ooh are you sure? Thank you. Have they got Tia Maria? Oh good, a Tia Maria then please. Oh no, better not, after one of those I'm anybody's!! Errrrm, can I have a dry white wine instead please? Sorry! Oh I don't know. Do they have South African? I had South African at my friend's house. Really nice it was, I was surprised. No, changed my mind, I'll have a Bailey's. After all it is Christmas!!"
"Pint of Fosters please Dave. Oh. Kronenbourg then. Cheers."
"Pint of Fosters please. Oh. Dunno then; Carslberg?
"Am I too late? Are you sure? You're very kind. I'll have a G & T please then, though I shouldn't. A large one? Well, I shouldn't. I'll be asleep this afternoon!! All right then, if you're sure. Thanks! Yes please, just a slice."
"She's gone to the ladies. I think she normally has cider. Better wait. "

"Perhaps you should serve this gentleman while we're waiting."

Ta Dave.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Proof Of Global Warming

Apologies to the lovely people the dog and I disturbed on Wednesday afternoon. It takes a brave couple to "make-out" on Stopsley Common* on a muddy, damp December afternoon, and I'm afraid we did nothing to heighten the mood.
By her dancy barky actions Lily was merely unagressively awarding points for artistry and entertainment value in the best Louis Walsh style.
(We're at Grid Ref. TL0924, if you care).

It says here that the Japanese spider crab (Macrocheira kaempferi), is the world's largest arthropod. And why not?

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Defective bogey at Earlsfield*

One does so try to avoid tedious Commuters' Tales. I would not normally mention the 2.5 hours it took to get from Kings Cross Thameslink to Lovely Luton last night but for this: it seems routine that some group of people somewhere around the capital is having their journey fucked up for them nearly every day.
I had plenty of time yesterday while stationary "in the Harpenden area" to wonder if London travellers are uniquely unfortunate or if other large conurbations worldwide suffer these endemic "points failures" and "signal faults", such that the evening paper has the word "chaos" poised in large type ready to go next to "tube" or "travel" for every edition.
Indeed, what would our own dear Evening Standard DO if "chaos" was removed from the language?
*"Morning Joan: 11 minutes late - badger hit a junction box at New Malden."

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Smokers' Corner

Catching in my delicate nostrils the raucous pungency of Someone Else's Smoke today made me appreciate how far we've come. Boggins snuffed his last fag* over 6 years ago. At that time smoking was a minority pursuit, frowned upon by the worthy and healthy, but we smokers were still a big minority. The smoke-filled room was still available, and plenty of us congregated outside or on the stairs to feed our dirty habit. Now, from what I can see, it's nearly extinct. You see someone smoking, it's an oddity. The forthcoming ban is hardly going to be an issue for most, and yet a decade ago it was a loony California "pipedream" (hurhur).
Once upon a time I had an ashtray by my bed. Unbelievable.

* note to Americans: I have never knowingly murdered a homosexual.

Monday, November 27, 2006

More TV trivia

You saw Mrs Massup* and the mutt on Dog Borstal. The camera crew "forgot" to put in batteries at the crucial time, and Boggins' dull interjections were never saved. Your loss. Write to the DG.

*no chaffinch she.

Old Lily post

Family Entertainment

After a pause or hiatus of about 18 months we've got digital/ satellite TV again. It makes me so happy that we can finally return to some proper TV programming, such as Sky's "Cirque de Celebrité" .
Celebrities? Fat bloke who used to be in Grange Hill. A couple of women who look like former porn actresses. The others? Giggling leftovers barely recognised beyond their own bathroom mirrors.
We're looking through the keyhole of the door to hell. Hear the shrieking and screaming of the damned. See the posturing and gurning of the self-deluded and desperate.
Turn back to Fairly Odd Parents.
Ms Wax, who used to have a career, appears by courtesy of Hieronymus Bosch and/or Max Clifford.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

tumblyweed in the howly howly void

Friday, March 10, 2006

Song lyric Corner

I DEFY even Betty to I.D. this wonderful lyric on my mp3 this week:
You ask me what I'm doing
I just picked out my nose
My lady's in the kitchen
Not wearing any clothes

go on, prove me wrong!

While I was away

You know, working on a new reality game thing for C4 with Jerrers and Joan Bakewell called "Knob Idol". Looking to go into pre-prod in May. You wanna be in it, mail me, man.

Also working on a musical based on the lives of Lembit Opik MP and the lovely Sian. Note to self: email Sir Cameron and Sir Andrew first thing Monday, or else!

It's NOT OK, OK?

The Guardian tells me today "It's OK to like Hall & Oates again. Really."

Is this Oates or Hall? As if I care

Up in the morning look in the mirror
I'm worn as her tooth brush hanging in the stand
my face ain't looking any younger
now I can see love's taken her toll on me

(why am I shouting?)

No it isn't OK. Never has been. Never will be. Really.

Thursday, March 02, 2006


In my profile I describe myself as an IT Obfuscator. No-one has ever taken issue with that wacky self-description. Probably rightly.

I wrote this in an email the other day, without irony, humour or any other saving grace:

"This will have been related to print distribution s/w resource issues this end."

Had I chosen to write in English I'd have said "the PC that takes care of your printing stopped working for some reason until I did something about it". More words certainly, but with some hope of being understood. Obviously the last thing I wanted was to be understood...

I'm not proud of wot I done.


  1. Big-Eyed Beans From Venus - Capt. Beefheart. (Tho' veering to "Abba Zabba")
  2. Leader Of The Pack - Shangri-Las
  3. Valley Of Rain - Giant Sand
  4. Mack The Knife - Ella Fitzgerald

Monday, February 27, 2006


Taken on a pleasant walk up by Warden Hill with the mutt yesterday.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Desert Island

(see previous post) This week I'm thinking:

Big-Eyed Beans From Venus - Captain Beefheart
Leader Of The Pack - Shangri-Las
New Rose - The Damned
Blue Monday - New Order

Prize* Quiz - the connection between no. 2 & no 3?

*yes of course, I'm just going to go out and buy you something just for Googling for the answer. Nah.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Say No to Dreary Slavs & Tedious Old Records

Seems we're going to Italy after all, so all those turgid Czech writers can keep their reputations intact.

We're having a Desert Island Discs Party. We're only allowing 4 songs each or it'll go on all night. If it was tonight, this is what I'd have:

Something by early Santana - Oye Como Va?
10:15 Saturday Night - Cure
Big-Eyed Beans From Venus - Captain Beefheart
Leader Of The Pack - Shangri-Las

If I keep doing this it'll just prove to myself what a twisted personality I have, 'cos I bet none of these will be in my final picks. None of them was on my list last time we did this.